I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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