after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
