her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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