I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize