I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
