summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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