Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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