She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
