I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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