Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
