Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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