I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
