dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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