I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize