So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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