Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize