census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
