I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
