You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
