happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
