I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
