i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
