booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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