im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
