i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
