I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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