So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize