i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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