WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
