i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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