Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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