you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize