I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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