she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
