he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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