Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
