i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
