After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
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