My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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