I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
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