Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Randomize
