it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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