3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize