the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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