There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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