i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
