Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
God I need to hump something, right now.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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