Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
