i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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