Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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