Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
