oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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