The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
