I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
be right there i have to get my cape
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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